Post by Amy on Mar 2, 2006 22:58:44 GMT
Okay, this was written 3 years ago and is dated ...
Feb 5th 2003
Well, it was a year ago in December I started to get depressed. I got really down over the stupidest thing and it's never really gone away.
Me and my best friend had been getting on each other's nerves a bit and we just came to blows I guess. She was messing around and she pretended not to be talking to me (pretty childish for a 17 year old), it was only meant as a joke, but I thought she was being serious, so I ignored her thinking that she wasn't talking to me. I told my other friend that she wasn't talking to me and she was like "don't worry about it, ill come in the dinner hall with you for a bit if you want" so we went in together and I went to grab my food. When I came back, my best friend was like "oh, don't talk to me then" and I said, "well you're the one not talking to me". Anyway, she said it was just a joke, so I told her I hadn't taken it as one and it wasn't a very funny one. That was on the Monday dinnertime. I started to get a bit low because we weren't talking and we were both being really stubborn. Anyway, on the Wednesday afternoon, I used to have a lesson with the French assistant, and bear in mind, we didn't exactly get on because I used to piss her off by not talking (I have a problem with talking - I don't like talking very much), but nothing was sinking in the lesson and I was upset because me and my best friend Kelly still weren't talking. I ended up walking out of the lesson almost crying. I couldn't stick being in there anymore. I walked off knowing that it was wrong, and I felt guilty but I couldn't stay.
Things had been really getting on top of me around that time anyway. It was one of the most important years of my high school life and I was getting a lot of homework, and I wasn't coping very well. I wanted to find my French teacher to tell her what I'd done but I couldn't find her or any other French teacher and I couldn't find my year head, so I went to talk to my chemistry teacher and I told him how stressed out I was over everything etc. He was telling me to just take it easy etc, but I kept thinking, how can I take it easy when all I get is people moaning that I don't talk and the fact that me and my best friend had just had a huge argument at the beginning of that week and I had to do all my homework on time, I just had to. You see, noone ever thought that I'd get as far as I did. Noone thought id have passed enough exams to come back to school last year, but I proved everyone wrong, and I wanted to keep proving them wrong, I was determined to do it all and to cope by myself, when the truth was I couldn't.
The day after it was parents evening, and all the teachers were saying about my attitude problem, and others were saying I wouldn't talk etc. My mother was disappointed because of it and I knew it. On the Friday morning I got a message saying my year head wanted to see me. I thought I was in huge trouble. I went to see her and she wanted to chat with me, so I was like ok whatever. She said she was worried because my chemistry teacher had gone and told her I was stressed out, and that things were getting on top of me. I was so angry with him for telling her. I like to be as independent as I can, and I don't find it easy to ask for or to accept help of anyone, and what I told him I didn't want anyone else knowing. She told me not to be angry with him because he'd only told her because he was really worried about me. Then she started talking about me not talking in class or anything, and she told me I needed a major confidence boost and she'd help me. She made me keep a record of how much I'd say in class every lesson and I'd have to go and see her once a week to show her. I wasn't making much progress, I was finding it really hard, and every week she'd tell me I had to work at it harder and I'd have to contribute more. By this point I knew something was wrong, I couldn't seem to pull myself out of being depressed and I didn't know why. It scared me quite a bit, but I just ignored it, I thought it'd go on its own.
The week after it was the prom, I went and got really drunk because I wanted to be able to enjoy myself and I needed more confidence. I got ill because I'd drank so much and even now I can't remember everything that happened that night because of it, but apart from being pretty ill, I enjoyed myself. I thought it's made me feel better, it did for a while, but I regretted it the morning after when I had a major hangover. The weeks went on and I still wasn't any better. Christmas came, I enjoyed most of it, but I was still pretty down. When I went back to school I was even more bogged down with work because it was only 3 weeks left until our mock exams and I didn't want to fail them. It felt like I was being pushed so hard and I didn't think I could do it anymore, I was very stressed and pretty depressed which didn't help any of it really. I still had to go to my year head about my contributions in class once a week, and one week I'd had enough. By this time there was two weeks left until the start of my mock exams and I still hadn't started revising. I couldn't revise, I didn't have the time, and I had way too much homework to do. I told my year head I couldn't talk, it wasn't that I didn't want to it was that I couldn't. She wanted to know was anything bothering me so I said yes and I told her I'd been really depressed since before Christmas, and I didn't know what was wrong with me. She told me that I should see a doctor because it may be that it wouldn't go away on its own. I was scared so I refused at first. I thought it was my fault and I thought I was the only person like this (except for my mother of course who also suffers from depression). I've always hated doctors and refused to go and see one because of it. I said that it'd go on it's own. I started thinking about it more; I mean it couldn't hurt to go
I started to become suicidal just before Easter time last year and my friend had been trying his best to help me (I barely knew him but he was one of the only people I could trust, vie always had a hard time trusting people). Only him and my year head knew about my depression and both of them wanted me to go and see another doctor, I refused and I also refused to tell my mother. I was cutting my wrist more often and I couldn't stop.
Feb 5th 2003
Well, it was a year ago in December I started to get depressed. I got really down over the stupidest thing and it's never really gone away.
Me and my best friend had been getting on each other's nerves a bit and we just came to blows I guess. She was messing around and she pretended not to be talking to me (pretty childish for a 17 year old), it was only meant as a joke, but I thought she was being serious, so I ignored her thinking that she wasn't talking to me. I told my other friend that she wasn't talking to me and she was like "don't worry about it, ill come in the dinner hall with you for a bit if you want" so we went in together and I went to grab my food. When I came back, my best friend was like "oh, don't talk to me then" and I said, "well you're the one not talking to me". Anyway, she said it was just a joke, so I told her I hadn't taken it as one and it wasn't a very funny one. That was on the Monday dinnertime. I started to get a bit low because we weren't talking and we were both being really stubborn. Anyway, on the Wednesday afternoon, I used to have a lesson with the French assistant, and bear in mind, we didn't exactly get on because I used to piss her off by not talking (I have a problem with talking - I don't like talking very much), but nothing was sinking in the lesson and I was upset because me and my best friend Kelly still weren't talking. I ended up walking out of the lesson almost crying. I couldn't stick being in there anymore. I walked off knowing that it was wrong, and I felt guilty but I couldn't stay.
Things had been really getting on top of me around that time anyway. It was one of the most important years of my high school life and I was getting a lot of homework, and I wasn't coping very well. I wanted to find my French teacher to tell her what I'd done but I couldn't find her or any other French teacher and I couldn't find my year head, so I went to talk to my chemistry teacher and I told him how stressed out I was over everything etc. He was telling me to just take it easy etc, but I kept thinking, how can I take it easy when all I get is people moaning that I don't talk and the fact that me and my best friend had just had a huge argument at the beginning of that week and I had to do all my homework on time, I just had to. You see, noone ever thought that I'd get as far as I did. Noone thought id have passed enough exams to come back to school last year, but I proved everyone wrong, and I wanted to keep proving them wrong, I was determined to do it all and to cope by myself, when the truth was I couldn't.
The day after it was parents evening, and all the teachers were saying about my attitude problem, and others were saying I wouldn't talk etc. My mother was disappointed because of it and I knew it. On the Friday morning I got a message saying my year head wanted to see me. I thought I was in huge trouble. I went to see her and she wanted to chat with me, so I was like ok whatever. She said she was worried because my chemistry teacher had gone and told her I was stressed out, and that things were getting on top of me. I was so angry with him for telling her. I like to be as independent as I can, and I don't find it easy to ask for or to accept help of anyone, and what I told him I didn't want anyone else knowing. She told me not to be angry with him because he'd only told her because he was really worried about me. Then she started talking about me not talking in class or anything, and she told me I needed a major confidence boost and she'd help me. She made me keep a record of how much I'd say in class every lesson and I'd have to go and see her once a week to show her. I wasn't making much progress, I was finding it really hard, and every week she'd tell me I had to work at it harder and I'd have to contribute more. By this point I knew something was wrong, I couldn't seem to pull myself out of being depressed and I didn't know why. It scared me quite a bit, but I just ignored it, I thought it'd go on its own.
The week after it was the prom, I went and got really drunk because I wanted to be able to enjoy myself and I needed more confidence. I got ill because I'd drank so much and even now I can't remember everything that happened that night because of it, but apart from being pretty ill, I enjoyed myself. I thought it's made me feel better, it did for a while, but I regretted it the morning after when I had a major hangover. The weeks went on and I still wasn't any better. Christmas came, I enjoyed most of it, but I was still pretty down. When I went back to school I was even more bogged down with work because it was only 3 weeks left until our mock exams and I didn't want to fail them. It felt like I was being pushed so hard and I didn't think I could do it anymore, I was very stressed and pretty depressed which didn't help any of it really. I still had to go to my year head about my contributions in class once a week, and one week I'd had enough. By this time there was two weeks left until the start of my mock exams and I still hadn't started revising. I couldn't revise, I didn't have the time, and I had way too much homework to do. I told my year head I couldn't talk, it wasn't that I didn't want to it was that I couldn't. She wanted to know was anything bothering me so I said yes and I told her I'd been really depressed since before Christmas, and I didn't know what was wrong with me. She told me that I should see a doctor because it may be that it wouldn't go away on its own. I was scared so I refused at first. I thought it was my fault and I thought I was the only person like this (except for my mother of course who also suffers from depression). I've always hated doctors and refused to go and see one because of it. I said that it'd go on it's own. I started thinking about it more; I mean it couldn't hurt to go
I started to become suicidal just before Easter time last year and my friend had been trying his best to help me (I barely knew him but he was one of the only people I could trust, vie always had a hard time trusting people). Only him and my year head knew about my depression and both of them wanted me to go and see another doctor, I refused and I also refused to tell my mother. I was cutting my wrist more often and I couldn't stop.